The Skinny

Guru Tristan will examine all facets of your life to evaluate whether you have anything at all worth living for, within a calculable margin of error no greater than 0.007.

"Sound advice you can trust, from the cockles of my cold, unmovable heart."

Advice will be dispensed via email and occasionally be displayed on the front page of the site, if deemed worthy.

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Independent Contractors

If Guru Tristan determines that you do, in fact, have nothing worth living for (a highly likely contingency), he will be happy to connect you with one of his many death contractors, through whom he can provide you with new and exotic ways to end your pathetic life.

Note: If one does not make a choice of death contractor within an appropriate time period, one may be assigned at random by the Council of Three, and may include BONUS death experiences not shown on the Death Contractor Menu. Such bonuses may include:

• Higgins Rumplebottom IV's Catatouille Buffet
• That tastes like chloroform!
• Yucca Mountain Drink-off
• Dive into the Valley of Betrayal

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