The Skinny

Guru Tristan will examine all facets of your life to evaluate whether you have anything at all worth living for, within a calculable margin of error no greater than 0.007.

"Sound advice you can trust, from the cockles of my cold, unmovable heart."

Advice will be dispensed via email and occasionally be displayed on the front page of the site, if deemed worthy.

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Independent Contractors

If Guru Tristan determines that you do, in fact, have nothing worth living for (a highly likely contingency), he will be happy to connect you with one of his many death contractors, through whom he can provide you with new and exotic ways to end your pathetic life.

Note: If one does not make a choice of death contractor within an appropriate time period, one may be assigned at random by the Council of Three, and may include BONUS death experiences not shown on the Death Contractor Menu. Such bonuses may include:

• Higgins Rumplebottom IV's Catatouille Buffet
• Yucca Mountain Drink-off
• Dive into the Valley of Betrayal

Frequently Asked Questions

Requisite Legal Disclaimer

Disclaimer: Everything about this website is a complete joke (exactly like your life!). If this website actually makes you think you should kill yourself, you should probably kill yourself.

Disclaimer to the Disclaimer:That bit about how you should kill yourself is also a joke. Now stop ruining our fun before I am forced to give you an evaluation.

How long will it take to receive a response?

Even though YOUR life in no way matters, Guru Tristan has a lot of important things to do, and as such, will get to your question in the order it was received. Unless, of course, it is worthy of immediate response. It probably isn't. While you wait, why don't you kill yourself?

Why do you always tell me to kill myself?

Well, we start with the assumption that you are an idiot and represent the 99% of the world that makes living here worse. It takes a lot to get off of that list.

What if I see a problem with the website?

What problems? This website is perfect. To tell us how perfect it is, email the webmaster at, naturally, webmaster@yourlifeinnowaymatters.com

Why did you post my question on the website? That was private!

Expectations of privacy are nullified the second you hit submit on your email to Guru Tristan. We claim copyright on any and all content displayed on the webpage, and most content on the internet.