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Guru Tristan will examine all facets of your life to evaluate whether you have anything at all worth living for, within a calculable margin of error no greater than 0.007.
"Sound advice you can trust, from the cockles of my cold, unmovable heart."
Advice will be dispensed via email and occasionally be displayed on the front page of the site, if deemed worthy.
If Guru Tristan determines that you do, in fact, have nothing worth living for (a highly likely contingency), he will be happy to connect you with one of his many death contractors, through whom he can provide you with new and exotic ways to end your pathetic life.
Note: If one does not make a choice of death contractor within an appropriate time period, one may be assigned at random by the Council of Three, and may include BONUS death experiences not shown on the Death Contractor Menu. Such bonuses may include:
Dear Tristan,
I am currently being held in jail for crimes I most definitely committed. I believe this all started back when I first got my nickname in college. The police confiscated my camera, my computer, and with it my 700 personal 'research' videos. However, they did not find the cages in the basement. Am I obligated to disclose this information to the police?
Creepily,
Crotchpot
Dear Crotchpot
Blaming your faults on the assignment of something as innocuous is a nickname is ridiculous. If anything, the nickname just brought to light what every could see plain as day: your desire to shoot creepy upskirt photos gave you crazy eyes and a creepy demeanor.
I'll let Tristan handle the details of your advice, but I think it's best you do the world a favor and end it all.
Best regards, Mr. Robertson
Mr. Pot,
[CHECK BACK LATER]
Logically yours, Guru Tristan
