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Guru Tristan will examine all facets of your life to evaluate whether you have anything at all worth living for, within a calculable margin of error no greater than 0.007.
"Sound advice you can trust, from the cockles of my cold, unmovable heart."
Advice will be dispensed via email and occasionally be displayed on the front page of the site, if deemed worthy.
If Guru Tristan determines that you do, in fact, have nothing worth living for (a highly likely contingency), he will be happy to connect you with one of his many death contractors, through whom he can provide you with new and exotic ways to end your pathetic life.
Note: If one does not make a choice of death contractor within an appropriate time period, one may be assigned at random by the Council of Three, and may include BONUS death experiences not shown on the Death Contractor Menu. Such bonuses may include:
Ever dreamed of wild adventure, though you lead an unenviably mundane life? Why not end your days with a little spice in the middle of the new Lugo Aquatic Colosseum? Find yourself chained to a rock pillar, caught between, on one side, a fearsome polar bear with hammerhead sharks grafted onto it for arms, and on the other, a colossal squid with porcupines on the ends of its tentacles. There's no bigger way to go out than that. Brought to you by Karl Lugo's House of Horrors, Inc.
For the most vain of undesirables, this packages whisks you away on a full body makeover, including manicure, pedicure, haircut, and finally a full dismemberment at the hands of a ravenous Werewolf. Only available during a full moon, please check your lunar calendar.
Are you a closeted homosexual trapped in a repressive ideology? Try "Death by Oogah Boogah"! Or, for a more intimate raped-to-death encounter, buy the Total Gomination Package. Both are available for reasonable prices.
Ever gorged yourself on tasty and succulent lobster? Ever wondered what it was like to BE the lobster? While being eaten BY lobsters? Choose the Ravenous Lobster Challenge, where lobsters attend an all YOU can eat buffet. Note: You must provide your own drawn butter -- the lobsters are somewhat picky eaters.